Working From Home

It's January 2020, a new virus is swiftly sweeping across the world, most people are like 'Corona who? Never heard of her,' but very quickly all our lives were changed. Here is a list of things I learnt during lockdown and working from home:

• I love my family. They are the most beautiful humans to walk this Earth. They are the very fabric of my being. Kind, loving and funny. I would be nowhere without them. I would also like to seriously express with as much authenticity as I can possibly get across in word form: how much I would like to Miss Piggy karate slap each each of them across the face at this stage of lockdown. They're very bad substitute colleagues is all I can say:
• The biscuits are always gone.
• House music or Shania Twain is played at random times of the day. The music taste is too contrasting and unpredictable to be able to prepare oneself for what you might get and I don't want to be dramatic but I'm pretty sure that's a torture technique. If I hear 'so you think you're Brad Pitt' one more time I might be compelled to spill all my secrets and then as retaliation to maintain my sanity I'll have to make a bonfire in the garden to dispose of every electronical device in the house that has the capability of playing music. This will consequently mean that I'll be forced to have a socially distanced argument with the people who live opposite who'll complain about the copious amounts of smoke drifting into their garden...'Excuse me but can you stop burning things everything smells of smoke in our house now' and I'll reply with a mad look in my eyes: 'Oh SO IT DON'T IMPRESSER YOU MUCH CAROL?' and then have to repeat myself, losing the power and dramatic delivery of the comeback because they won't be able to hear me over the mask covering half of my face...Again, not that I'm dramatic.  
• They find the places where I hide the biscuits.
• The news is always kept on despite there being nothing new of note except 'gloom' and 'terror' or when things are spiced up a bit and we get a bit of 'terror' and 'gloom.' 
• Family members don't have as much friendly 'chit chat' when cutting your hair but they do charge considerably less.
• Silence when doing an online quiz with your friends is louder than a silence in real life.
• Other things I have learnt: I'm bored.
• Trying to learn the entirety of the French language for three days will do little to vanquish my boredom and then you're left with passive aggressive emails saying that they're 'unhappy' that you haven't done some more learning in a while. Erm, you're unhappy that I stopped using your language learning App and now I'm unhappy that all I've been taught to say is 'Tu veux un croissant Elise?' which is little help to me if Elise is a celiac and cuts me dead with a steely 'non' or lands a long impassioned speech which I can't understand about xenophobia and how not all French people like pain au chocolat or other pastry goods and so I'm actually a trash human.
• I can roll out of bed and be at my desk within seconds without having to commute in the cold but this existence means I don't get office banter. 
• My physical appearance now has a strong resemblance to Tom Hanks in Castaway so I've had to draw a smiley face on my coffee mug and call it 'Wilson' because I don't own a volleyball. 
• Why did I ever bother wearing bras?
• Is deodorant really necessary when I'm staying at home?
• I should stop wearing make-up so I can save it for when I actually go out and it'll save money so I don't have to buy more as quickly.
• I probably can't make monobrows a fashionable thing.
• I should probably get a grip and shave my goatee.
• I can't keep a goatee, put on sunglasses and demand to be called 'Carlos' by everyone.

...I haven't actually grown a goatee, just to clarify, just want to stress that in case anyone thinks that that point is genuine. I do however want to possess the overly sexy and intimidating demeanour of my imaginary alter ego 'Carlos.'

So in short, what I've learnt is that keeping in touch with friends and family is vital to keeping your sanity during this insane time, even when your family or friends annoy you. The second most important thing I've learnt is that I should probably wash and brush my hair now...